My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
