Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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