im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
