he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
