my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
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Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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