he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
she peed on how many people?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
