she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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