Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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