on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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