Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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