i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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