I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
