she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
