I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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