first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
if only i could text you this smell
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
