Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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