This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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