oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize