gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
