I wish you could order shots online.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
