apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
