WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
