look no pants
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
