i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
