I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
