the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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