I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
