Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?