My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
