there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
