Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
there is glitter all over my balls
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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