Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
