so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drake has all the answers
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
