The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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