my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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