When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
