I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
