i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
