I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
