Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
