dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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