She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
