You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
