I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
