We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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