she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
