Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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