He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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