this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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