Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
