After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
