Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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