My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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