everyone is single if you try hard enough
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
