drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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