and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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