You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
