Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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