Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
