I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
