So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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