if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
