I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
